Dec 9, 2009

Anonymous pt2

Since my last post was about the epic dissapointment that is modern customer service. Now let me share with you my true passion and rage!

Fucking STARBUCKS!!!! What the fuck is wrong with ppl... Ok so yes they make a decent latte, if you want to spend 10 bucks on a fucking latte... And what the hell is with the sizes, I went there, I ordered a large and they asked me if i meant grande or venti, and I was baffled because grande IS LARGE, while Venti is 20. I relize this issue was covered in Role Models, but I didnt expect someone in real life to be that much of a corporate cock sucker to actually question a customer about this. I also relize that the venti is 20oz, but then why is the large smaller than the venti? I also discovered that if you give someone a 5 dollar gift card to starbucks not only can you use that as a gift but a great way to say "hey fuck you, now you have to spend 2 bucks to get a fucking coffee".

So I'm watching Jennifer's Body, and so far I have to say I am impressed. To quote the best line thus far "theyre called tits, point them in the right direction and shit gets real". Its good enough to distract me from starbucks rage.

So anyway as I was saying, starbucks gift cards int he amount of 5 dollars is the single most fantastic FUCK YOU gift of the holiday season. If you're going to waste 5 bucks, at least waste it on some meaningless piece of shit that someone might actually enjoy instead of starbucks where hey, you cant even buy a coffee for it...

In closing I relize my starbucks rage is fierce, but those corporate cock juggling sycophants at starbucks have crossed the fucking line. I will be happy when McCrackhouse drives them out of business with superior coffee at a superior price.


Anonymous pt1

Today I would like to discuss the abuse of power that consumers have when attempting to return used and seriously worn Items (covered in cum stains, washed so much the color has faded, etc.).
As I am an employee of a department store which I would prefer to have remain ANONYMOUS, I shall simply state that I did witness this, one of the single most brilliant forms of scaming I have had the pleasure of seeing in some time. This of course is a multi part scam beginng with bringing in some object (sheets in this instance but it could be anything) then using human nature and "Good Customer Service" against the employees, managers, and corporation that you have targeted for said scam.
Now for part 1.

1. Select the object that you have used, abused, stained, and nearly destroyed.

2. Select an elegant phrase to describe why you wish to return said object, ensure that said phrase is just vulgure enough to slightly emberass the sales clerk you have chosen.

As an example; "Woman: Honey i don't really like these sheets Man: Ya I really don't like fucking you in them either"

This should suffice to create an atmosphere where said associate would definately call their manager.

3. Utilize certain human insecurities to convince the management that they need to give you an exchange of an equivelent or better item.

Example: Use your phone to take pictures of everyone, also ask for another manager when one refuses your request, and thirdly direct them to what you want and not what they want

4. Seal the deal: having already broken down the management at this point all that remains is to select the best set of sheets in the store and convince them that you should recieve them as an even exchange.

5. Enjoy said sheets; although having told your wife/girlfriend you don't like fucking them in the old sheets may not have been the best way to secure breaking in the new sheets

I will be honest had I been in the position of these managers I simply would have sent them on their way with the number of the company that made the sheets. However this illustrates the remarkable inability of those in power to understand that one person simply does not have enough sway (except maybe a CEO but they wouldnt shop at 10 at night) to cause any harm to your company or your standing as an employee by refusing to refund $400+ in sheets...

So in closing, consumers of the world, let this be a lesson to you in the remarkable ability you have to get just about anything you want if you are simply willing to ask for someone higher til you get what you want.